Because Trunkfish

Because trunkfish are the business

10 reasons why trunkfish are just the best.

Trunkfish are the mightiest creature to swim the seas: fact. After our diving holiday to St Lucia, I developed an unconditional love, nay, obsession for the mighty trunkfish. These small but hilariously formed fish are spotty, boxy little critters that can be found in warm water reefs. Not having seen one before, I formed an instant fondness for them. They’re not especially rare or hard to spot. They’re not dangerous or venomous, and they don’t have particularly flamboyant markings. But ignore the trunkfish at your peril as they are, beyond all reasonable doubt, the best creature you’ll come across underwater.

Don’t believe me? Here are just a few top trunky facts that should convince you…

Disclaimer: some or all of the following statements may not be 100% factually accurate

1. The trunkfish is a very busy fish. Close scientific analysis has discovered small to-do lists attached to the pelvic fin of all trunkfish. This explains their dogged mannerisms – they have a great deal to do.

2. Trunkfish can be observed to blow sand from the seabed into a cloud around them. It used to be mistakenly believed that this was undertaken in the search for food, but recent studies have shown that this behaviour is actually carried out when the trunkfish has dropped his or her to-do list (see above). In a frantic panic to find it, the trunkfish snorts gusts of air in ‘the last place they had it’ until the list is relocated. It is always in the last place they’d think to look, which is why this activity is frequently repeated.

3. Trunkfish are officially recognised by the Marine Conservation Society as ‘trunkies’. ‘Trunky’ is in fact considered by some organisations to be the only correct title for the trunkfish. For instances of trunkies over 5 years old, this title may be embellished with an appropriate salutation, such as Mr or Mrs. As in, “there goes Mr Trunky, looking for his to-do list again”

4. Actual fact alert – a baby trunk fish is called a pea. FACT! An actual juvenile trunkfish is called an actual pea! I’m sorry, but any animal thats offspring is officially named after the most adorable of vegetables is winning at life. The trunkfish pea can be seen hilariously bobbing around, proud of its absolute roundness. I challenge anyone not to find this mind-bendingly cute. Erm, do you need any more reasons not to pledge your undying allegiance to the trunkfish? Well fine, I have plenty more…

5. The collective noun for trunkfish is an I can’t even, as in “oh look at that I can’t even of trunkfish over there in the reef, how very busy they seem…”

6. Apple and Google are currently in discussions regarding adding a trunkfish emoji to the emoticon keyboard. They anticipate that it will be more widely used than both the dancing twins and the questionable aubergine emoji, and have voiced concerns that excessive use of the trunky emoji upon release will cause all major networks to crash.

7. The Trunkfish Appreciation Society, set up in 1847, is the oldest known fish-related fan club. Unfortunately, membership is incredibly selective and only the most dedicated trunky enthusiasts are admitted. However, if you’d like to express your feelings for the mighty trunkfish, please do tweet me and I shall be sure to share in your sentiments.

8. Trunkies are secret badasses. In the main, the trunkfish is not looking for a fight. The’ve got far too much to do to start getting involved in petty squabbles or brawls. But if someone gets all up in their grill, like really up in there, then shit is going to go down. Getting eaten while you’re busy working through your to-do list? Ain’t nobody got time for that – a trunky’s skin secretes a toxin which can be pretty damn nasty when swallowed. In fact, eat a trunky, and that toxin gon kill you son. True story.

9. It is widely believed that ‘that’ picture of Kim Kardashian almost broke the internet. This is in fact a fallacy. At the time that the said Paper Magazine article was released, #trunkytuesday was trending on Twitter, causing such an unanticipated explosion of traffic from trunkfish fans worldwide that the internet nearly died. No offence Kim, but your butt aint got nothing on a trunky.

10. If you are still in any doubt about the trunkfish’s extreme superiority over all other marine life, quite frankly I’m disappointed. I’d love to show you an epic trunkfish montage of all their many merits and foibles but, sadly, no such piece of propaganda exists. I shall make it my life’s mission to compile a video homage that adequately showcases their splendour, but in the meantime please make do with this 10 second trunkfish fix (featuring the actual trunkies that first stole my heart in St Lucia…)

Still nothing? Well then you are a traitor to the trunkfish cause. I suggest you go and look at many many hilarious video clips until you see the error of your ways.

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